Are you a Grumpy Older Woman?

If so, it might not be your fault

Jan 15, 2023

I was travelling on a train last week for the first time in a while. It was raining heavily and I shook my umbrella out as I got on and made my way to a seat. A young man came through the doors behind me and sat the other side of the aisle from me. Once he’d flopped down in his seat and got his phone out, he immediately rested the soles of his trainers on the seat opposite him. I leaned over and spoke to him, “Pardon” he replied crossly, removing his ear buds, “Please don’t put your feet on the seats, they will be dirty from the wet ground and other people have to sit on the seats” I repeated. He looked at me sulkily but did put his feet on the floor.

This encounter reminded me that, back in July last year, I wrote that I was heading off to Cornwall to attend the graduation ceremony of one of my daughters, from Falmouth University. I asked if, while I was gone, you would suggest any subjects you would particularly like me to write about in the future. Many of you did so and one that appealed to me was from Claire. Just to give it context, this is what she said:

“I am a 57 year old woman with 4 children, the last of whom is in her final year of school. I am part owner of a retail business and have a very busy husband and a house and garden to look after. I give the background to let you know that I am very fortunate and quite busy!

The question I have been mulling on is whether I am turning into a grumpy older lady. My tolerance for people behaving in ways that seem to me to be illogical or selfish is now low. I used to be better at thinking they must have a reason for their behaviour, that you don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life etc but not now. I rarely say anything directly but my poor family do get me venting regularly.

I can’t decide how much is me being intolerant because I’m busy and tired (like everyone, particularly due to COVID ) and how much is that I’m a now more confident in my opinions and less likely to defer to others”.

I don’t know how all of you would respond to Claire, but here are my thoughts on the subject. Please let me say, here and now, that I am not introducing this subject in order to open the flood gates for a moan-fest – believe me, I hear enough of that on my local neighbourhood app, Next Door. Rather that I am interested in Claire’s question “Am I turning into a grumpy older lady?”

First of all, I should say that the things I get annoyed by haven’t changed since I was in my 30s and I am just as likely now to react angrily as I was then. For the record, these are: litter, bad service, slow moving crowds of people, mostly tourists it has to be said, in the centre of London, who impede my progress when I’m in a rush to get somewhere and, my absolute bête noir, people putting their feet on seats on public transport. Just to enlarge on this slightly and, despite what I said, have a bit of a moan.

If I can, I always choose the double seats that face directly onto the back of those in front and have no other seats facing them. The reasons for this are twofold: I prefer not to sit facing other people, (what would Freud say about that I wonder?) but mainly, because I believe there is more chance of the seats being clean, because no-one can put their feet up on them. This anti-social practice smacks of a certain arrogance and shows a complete lack of consideration for others, and despite what you might think, it’s not always young people who do it. I have been known to chastise a middle-aged woman, a mother with a child and even smart-looking, be-suited business-men who all, frankly, should know better.

When I commuted to London daily, it was a regular occurrence and the reaction, when I called people out, varied. Sometimes people reacted violently and I was careful not to engage with anyone where I thought this might be the case. Most people looked either irritated or shamefaced and complied by placing their feet on the floor. One teenage schoolboy travelling with his friends, looked sheepish and said “You’re right, and if my mum knew I’d done it, she’d be furious!”. One woman who was, I’m guessing, in her forties, actually argued with me that her feet weren’t dirty. This despite the fact that the ground was wet and we had all just got on at the station platform.

So, I have always been grumpy, if that’s how you’d like to describe it, about these things and I’m not sure I’ve become worse with age. But we are all aware of the term “Grumpy old women” - and “Grumpy old men” for that matter. This concept cannot have come from no-where and the very fact that we have these phrases suggest it’s a common condition. I was keen to find out why.

Apparently, our levels of dopamine (the feel-good chemical) decline as we (both men and women) age, often resulting in depression. Add this to women’s declining oestrogen levels during the menopause which causes mood swings, anxiety, sleeplessness and irritability, and it’s hardly surprising we feel grumpy. At the same time, we begin to experience the aches and pains of aging, parts of the body not working as well as they used to and being less able to do some of the things we used to enjoy.

This often coincides with changes in our circumstances: our children leave home so we become empty nesters, we retire from our lifelong careers, we might go through divorce, our parents and even sometimes our friends, die or become infirm. We see a world that is fast moving and ever changing: because of technology this is more pronounced than ever, and we become frustrated when we cannot keep up with or understand it. Our lives, as we knew them, change, beyond recognition.

We begin to become much more ware of our own mortality and the fact that our youth is over. We see young people who are just beginning their journey through life and seem in many ways to be carefree (they’re not of course) and living lives that are full of possibility. We realise we have passed that point and, in truth, we are jealous of them - jealous of the youth we once had but have no longer.

We often become irritated by them for their apparent lack of consideration and awareness of anything other than themselves. But we must remember, it is the job of young people – or it certainly has been since the “invention” of the teenager in the mid 1940’s – to revolt against the previous generation with its conventions and beliefs that they see as outmoded.

Equally, as the older generation, we often find their opinions and ideals hard to understand and their ways of wanting to do things out of kilter. We just need to remind ourselves however, that we too, with our loud music, “weird” clothes and strange habits, delighted in antagonising what we saw as “old fogies” – our parents’ generation.

So, Claire, you are not alone and if you are coming a grumpy older lady, it may be because of circumstances beyond your control. As you suggest, I certainly think there is an element of us becoming more confident about our opinions and less likely to defer to others as we age and I would agree from my own experience that living a fast-paced life inevitably brings irritability and intolerance. I think I’ve become slightly less impatient as I’ve aged although those closest to me might not agree with that statement!

We have to try and accept that in these latter years of our life, things will be different, but not necessarily less good. I am beginning to find peace with being older. This is partly because I am injury-free for the first time in nearly a year and have been able to return to swimming and pilates so I feel fitter. But it is also because I mind less about being “retired” and am enjoying the freedom of not having to commute each day or be at the beck and call of others. It’s great to have more time to see friends, to feel less stressed and I’m trying not to feel guilty if I have a lie-in on a week-day!

I wear hearing aids these days and instead of getting grumpy because I can’t hear as well as I used to, I am celebrating the fact that technology has facilitated such a wonderful invention: they are discreet and powerful, can be adjusted by an app on my mobile and mean I can still hear birdsong, the voices of the people I love and the music that always cheers me up. Without these things life would be very hard.

I am also becoming content that, although I miss my daughters living at home, it’s all the more lovely when I do see them and we are then on our best behaviour and make the most of the time together. Seeing them grow into independent, thoughtful, caring and ambitious adults feels like a great reward for all the years of hard work and I find myself thinking that I didn’t do too bad a job after all. I am embracing a gentler pace of life although I still have projects I want to complete. Of course, all of this may not last, for one thing about life is certain, it’s always changing. For the moment though, I’m feeling good.

Just before I leave the subject, what about those “Grumpy old men”? Apparently, men also go through hormonal changes because of the decline of testosterone in their systems. This begins in their 40s and 50s but can become especially steep around the age of 60. According to Michael Gurian, the author of “The Wonder of Aging: A New Approach to Embracing Life After Fifty,” “both men and women experience mood swings and irritability in their later years of life. This is mainly because of the hormonal changes. However, women deal with menopause by crying and talking to others about it, whereas men mask their depression behind anger”.

So, ladies, at least we can comfort ourselves with the thought that whilst we may become grumpy older women, at least we have friends to talk with and commiserate with about it – it sounds as if it’s much harder for men.

Are you part of the “Grumpy Older Woman” brigade or are you endlessly sunny, smiling and tolerant? Do tell me your thoughts by clicking on the button below

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